Two Moms Walk into a Bar

I currently work as a Children's Librarian in a fairly large library system in a somewhat affluent community on the east coast.  Every day, I see lots of parenting, parenting that ranges from commendable to questionable.  Because of our location, we have a fairly diverse population, both racially and ethnically.  And recently I have become aware of my presumptions about parenting style based on the race or ethnicity of the parent.  And I find these presumptions problematic.  Where do they come from?  If I suffer from the presumptions, how do they effect others?  This post is hard for me to write since I have to admit that I am not as "post-race" as I wish I were.  I am by no means defending my presumptions, but I feel that ignoring them is as dangerous as giving into them.  Instead, I hope that I can maybe tease apart why they exist and hopefully move beyond them.

The most common questionable parenting that I see is parents who come in to use our public computers and fail to pay any attention to their children for however long they are engaged online.  I am more forgiving of parents who are looking for a place to live or applying for jobs than those who are on facebook, but it's still a challenge since the entertaining and policing of these children then falls on the library staff or other parents in the area. 

The other day I had an interaction with a mother whom I had pegged as the inattentive sort because of her race and age (she was younger and black) until she mentioned owning Melissa and Doug puzzles at home.  This "name dropping" kicked her into the other category in my head and made me stop and question my assumption.  I hadn't seen her interact with her children at all, but based solely on her race and age I had assumed what type of mother she was.  How had I come to assume that all young black mothers were inattentive?  Why did I assume that those that appeared Indian where overattentive?  How did the way a mother dress affect my assumptions?  How about the number and ages of her children?  And who am I to judge anyway?

I'd like to say that this presumption is based on my observations in my job: that the majority of parents who come in with their children for their chidren's sake, for example to attend a children's program, are white and older.  But that's a cop-out and not accurate.

I started reading Supporting Boys' Learning because as the mother of a preschool boy I try to stay at least aware of what the current thinking is.  Nothing was very surprising to me, so I didn't finish it.  But one part did stick with me.  There is evidence that teachers in early childhood education expect African American boys to be the trouble makers and treat them, subtly, as such.  These presumptions are then picked up by the children, not just the boys themselves, but by female students and non-black male students.  This is part of the explanation of my mothering presumptions.  There is such an ingrained cultural stereotype that young African American mothers are not "good mothers" that I've absorbed it. A large part of this comes from not only the media, but also the political climate in the 80s [see below]. And what I find extremely troubling is not so much my absorption but the affect this stereotype has on mothers of color. 

I have always found the idea of "Welfare Queens" offensive to mothers everywhere.  The idea that someone would have more children just to get more money out of the government could only have been created by someone who has never given birth.  And of course I'm no fan of any "blame the victim" philosophy.  And while I have strongly rejected the idea of "Welfare Queens" I hadn't realized that other, more subtle, stereotypes have were able to sneak through. 

I have talked before (and I'm sure I'll talk more) about how mothers are not valued and supported in our society, but adding the layer of race or class (and probably religion and ethnicity) increase or decrease the nominal value women do feel.  As a single mother, I feel at times as if the world assumes I am not a good mother because of that.  I can't claim to know how it feels to have the world assume I am a lacking parent because of my race, but I do have an inkling.  It sucks. 

Sadly, I don't know what to do about this.  Personally, I am trying to catch myself--remind myself that race is no indication of parenting style or type.  But what about on a larger scale.  We obviously need better images in the media and maybe Michelle Obama will help that.  (Though we don't see her "parent" much as the Obamas' have smartly kept their daughters out of the spotlight as much as possible.)  I'd like to see a TV show about a black single mother who is involved in her kids' lives.  Not one who sacrifices everything for them, but one who still has adult friends whom she meets with occasionally.  One who has a healthy dating life.  I guess I'd like to see something along the lines of  The New Adventures of Old Christine or Reba.  Though it feels wrong to ask for the "black version" of these shows. . . hell, I'd just settle for more black women on TV period!

I am also going to continue my personal quest to not judge mothers as much.  That includes my assumptions about mothers based on race or class, whether they have a glass of wine when they are at a restaurant with their children, everything.  It's not going to be easy in a culture that devalues parenting as much as ours to not look for reasons to judge, but I'm going to try.  And I'm going to try to unearth what other stereotypes unconsciously affect my exceptions of parents.  I'm sure there are more.