The War on Moms by Sharon Lerner

 Sharon Lerner effectively reframes the Mommy Wars debate in her new book The War on Moms: On Life in a Family - Unfriendly Nation.  Instead of arguing about whether stay-at-home moms or working moms are superior, she sets out to demonstrate that the choice is not always simple--or even available.  There are plenty of women who have to work to support their families, whether they are single mothers or married/partnered women whose families rely on two incomes.  There are other women out there who aren't able to find jobs that accommodate the schedule and chaos of taking care of a child with special needs.

To support this reframing, she uses massive amounts of statistics interwoven with stories she gathered from interviews.  She positions the United States within a global context; for example, the US is the only industrialized nation that does not offer guaranteed paid maternity leave.  She also includes useful historical context, citing, for example,  the US’s failure in 1919 to sign an international agreement  guaranteeing cash benefits in addition to job-protected  maternity leave.  She successfully argues that this country provides minimal support to parents in terms of health benefits, flexible schedules, leave options, and even cultural understanding of the true challenges of parenting in today’s world.  

Lerner’s book has other strengths.  She attempts to redirect the focus from mothers themselves to greater societal forces. She provides strong support for this shift.  I’ll admit, I wasn’t a skeptic when I started reading.  I’ve lived as a mother in this country.   I’ve quit jobs because of lack of leave options.  I’ve struggled to pay daycare costs.  But as a busy mother, I don’t have much time to think about these things in a larger context or even begin to think about how to change them.  Lerner’s book provided me a space to do that.

Lerner has captured this moment in history in her book.  The current economic downturn has been tough on many people, but Lerner is able to outline exactly what it means for mothers and the few support programs that are available to them.  This brings a sense of urgency and immediacy.  It is not about how things were in the past, though it includes context.  It is not about what we should strive for in the future.  Instead, Lerner describes the here and now.

The War on Moms clearly outlines the challenges that exist for parents today in a new way.  It is not driving to soccer that is making families’ lives difficult, but rather the harrowing choice between staying home with a sick child and possibly losing your job.  This nation is not family friendly, but at least the war is no longer a silent one. 

While I think Lerner's book is important on a large scale, though I doubt it will garner much attention, it also affected me personally.  She opens the book with the story of a woman in New York who knows it will be tough for her to conceive and the chances of her having a child that doesn't have some sort of special needs are low.  But she wants to be a mother, so she has a daughter.  As predicted, the daughter has complications, needs special care including expensive surgeries and therapy.  After trying to balance her career and caring for her daughter, her employer refuses to be as flexible as she needs and she leaves her job.  The decision was mostly her employer's.  

When I hit the point in the narration when she was fired, I found myself thinking, "well, she knew the risks going in, she decided to do it anyway, so it's her fault."  And then I caught myself.    Somewhere, even I, had absorbed the "blame the mother" approach which is prevalent, though buried, in our cultural thinking.  And this thinking is tied up with two important attitudes toward parenting in our culture. 1. Being a parent is a choice; a choice akin to deciding what color to paint your house or what size value meal to order at McDonald's.  2.  Caregiving is not valued in any way shape or form in this country. 

I'm not sure if the Reagan Administration's approach of "Blame the Mother" approach to social services was something that it created or something it tapped into; I imagine a bit of both.  But the idea that women have more babies to defraud the government out of money seems to me to be a clear example of this phenomenon.  But it occurs in many other forms.  I read an article on graduate student families health care coverage which included a quote from a grad student that said they choose to have children, I shouldn't have to pay for them.  And obviously, my own thoughts about the mother who opens Lerner's book are another example.  

I'll take up the semantics of the word "choice" later and I've already discussed the lack of value parenting has in this culture (though trust me, I have more to say.)  But here and now, I issue this challenge:  Pay attention to the voice in the back of your head that judges women and men who have children and how they attempt to deal with it, essentially, all on their own.  Read Lerner's book or The Price of Motherhood or any of the other books that try to point out the exact ways in which caregiving is undervalued and not supported in our culture.  Then, think about ways you can support mothers and fathers in the world.  Who you vote for matters, who you give money to matters, but you can do more.  Silence or correct those judgmental thoughts that creep into your brain unwanted.  Offer some support to mothers you know~offer to take their kids out for ice cream, offer to buy them a seasons worth of cold medicine or simply provide a space where they can speak about the trials of parenting freely.  And offer some support to mothers you don't know~help them carry their strollers up a flight of stairs, offer to hold their child while they organize all their belongings, maybe even borrow from the frequent serviceman address and say "I appreciate your service to the greater good of humanity in your decision to be a parent."  And lastly, if you are a parent or a caregiver, tell yourself each and everyday that what you are doing is important and valuable.  
November 7, 2010

Thoughts on THE RED TENT

I'm re-re-re-re-reading Anita's Diamant's The Red Tent.  I've always enjoyed the book; it's well written and gripping, as well as imaginative.  But the book appeals on a greater level than that.

I recently read Linda's Holmes' thoughts on the phrase "Chick Lit."  And as much as I resist forcing gender differentiation onto novels, I think there are some differences.  My favorite women authors tend to write about characters who are defined by their relationships.  Jennifer Weiner, who Holmes focuses on, writes about women who are mothers, and wives, and sisters, and friends.  My favorite men authors tend to write about characters who are defined by their experiences.

The Red Tent definitely fits into the relationship category.  The point of the women's lives in this novel is their relationships.  They are mothers and sisters and wives.  But more importantly, they are women and that ties them to every other women they encounter.  Every month, the women get to spend a week together in the red tent while they menstruate.  And this week is a time of celebration, not a time of complaining about bloating and cramps and taking Midol.  A girl's menarche is a huge celebration when she officially enters the collective womanhood.  Similarly, childbirth, even though a scary thing in these pre-medicinal times, is a time of collective womanhood. 

This I think is why the novel was so popular and remains an embracing read.  It speaks to that part of our culture that we've lost.  As childbirth and menarche and menstruation have become medicinized (more on this later) we've lost that sense of women's collective.  What rituals do women have left?  How often do we get together to deal with our lives as a group?

I can think of only a few--bridal showers and baby showers being the most obvious.  And honestly, these events are usually dull.  They do not celebrate the power of the woman involved, but usually domesticate her.  She is reduced to the new role she is assuming--"wife" or "mother." She is showered with gifts that are not for her, but for the other--husband or baby. 

Through the centuries, women have lost power, both in the public sphere, as well as in their own lives.  I encourage us as women (and also as men since I think they've lost their ritual base as well) to rebuild this ritual element.  Let us celebrate our power and our community.  Let us create a new red tent and fill in that gap that we search for in Diamant's novel. 

September 11, 2010